That Impossible First Step

I will admit, I had one hell of a time getting out for my walk this evening. I had been feeling like death all day, dizzy and lethargic despite having blood sugars what most endocrinologists would classify as normal. But not having gone out last night, I knew that getting out tonight was a necessity, even if I only went for a mile.

While I was out, I did a lot of thinking. The air was comfortable and had the lovely smell of the woods before a summer rainstorm. Without a doubt, that is my favourite smell on earth, earth and fallen leaves absorbing the humidity and in return giving out the smell of new life coming from the end of another. I thought a lot about what I was facing, what I am going to be in for during the next few months. I have to admit, I’m scared. I’m scared half out of my mind. I’m scared of the side effects. I’m scared of not being able to care for Baby Imp on my own. I’m scared that I won’t be able to finish my education. 

I’m scared of what the future brings.

But despite my fears and desire to just say “fuck it” and turn around and go back to bed, I am still putting my foot forward. Just like I did tonight with my walk, I am going out and doing something that I know is going to hurt, that I know is going to suck, knowing that it has to be done and once it is I will feel better.

And you know what? Once I finished the walk, panting and coughing due to the immense amount of chest congestion I have, I realised that I do feel better. After a shower and a dollop of lotion, I felt even more so. I feel like I accomplished something, I feel pretty and I smell like a beautiful day (quite literally, since my lotion of choice is Beautiful Day by Bath and Body Works).

I almost feel healthy.

Despite not really wanting to, despite feeling awful, I still took that impossible first step out the door and went on that walk. It was hard, it hurt doing it, but I was able to enjoy the smells and sights along the way. And when I came back, I found that I truly felt better than I did when I started. I know this is how it is going to be with IVIG. I know it’s going to hurt, I know it’s going to make me feel crappy, but I know that I will eventually start to feel better than I do now.

And this is a walk worth going on.