Spicy Stuffed Zucchini Blossoms – Low Carb, Gluten Free

I’ve been a bad girl. I’ve been sorely neglecting this poor blog. You would think with school not being in session I would have more energy to post, but it seems like forces are conspiring against me. We went downstate for a wedding at the beginning of the month and ever since then it’s been harder and harder for me to even get out of bed – and when I do, things like my duties in the lab and taking care of my family have taken precedence.

Sharing a computer has also proven to be a challenge, as my husband likes to hover over my shoulder and comment as I write while he waits for me to get off so that he can go back to playing his video games. I find this incredibly disrespectful and annoying so I just stopped. I ended up getting so sick that I went out and bought myself a cheap tablet so that I can go back to having a quasi-social life online and with every intent of keeping this blog up.

I will also readily admit that I have been distracted in my garden. I returned from vacation pleasantly surprised that not only had my plants not died, but they were thriving. My sugar snap pea plants that I had left as small scraggly things had grown to not only have flowers but have a few pea pods and I was able to harvest several baby carrots in the process of thinning. My zucchini plants have also been thriving in the two weeks since my return, much to my delight as I love me some zucchini.

These plants have been blossoming like crazy and I had remembered reading recipes online that actually used the male blossoms. I figured, why not try this out? I had tons of male blossoms, may as well give it a shot. So I picked a few, leaving one so that my female flowers could be pollinated and started by simply deep frying them. Which ended up being hands-down one of the most delicious things I had ever eaten. They taste much like zucchini, except sweeter and more delicate. I was also delighted to discover that they’re not only quite low in carbs, but also very high in vitamins. A win-win, if you ask me.

I’ve been picking them religiously every day now, along with hand-pollinating my female flowers as I haven’t seen too many bumblebees nor butterflies and I’m concerned about them being pollinated by traditional methods. I’m relying on this zucchini crop to keep me supplied with zoodles for the next few months and it’s crucial that the plant produces good fruit. But I do leave at least one or two flowers just in case. I have still been able to get roughly 3-5 a day though, and after a bountiful harvest of 6 yesterday and another 4 today I decided that it was time to try something new.

I had been contemplating stuffing the flowers for quite some time, having only just battered and fried them previously. I had some pickled jalapenos in the fridge as well as a block of cream cheese, and thought “why not do a sort of jalapeno popper with these?” A bunch of things got thrown into a bowl, and the spicy stuffed zucchini blossoms were born.

This post admittedly also provides me with the opportunity to express my love for Susie Gibbs’ Keto Crumbs. These things are a game-changer, my friends, and incredibly simple to make too. I confess I use the Parmesan cheese in a can, but us spoonies sometimes need a few cheats in the name of convenience. The mix comes together incredibly quickly and keeps well – I keep mine in an old Parmesan can as suggested by the author as it makes sprinkling easy. You need these kept in your fridge at all times and you need to go make a batch right now.

Seriously, now. I’ll wait.

The reason you need these is because not only do they make for a wonderful oven-fried chicken, they are also the breading I used for this recipe. I debated between traditional deep frying and oven frying and went for the latter for one simple reason: I was running out of spoons and baking is just easier. I’m glad I did, as they came out wonderful. I also made the wonderful discovery that this is another three-part recipe and that all three steps can either be done in one day or split up into several days – as a matter of fact, I would recommend allowing the filling to sit for at least a couple of hours so that the flavours meld together. I ended up stuffing them and then letting them sit in the refrigerator for about five hours and they came out perfect, and I would wager that they can even be kept there overnight.

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And then they got put on a plate, sat in the middle of my now blossomless forget-me-nots so I could take pictures.

In the end, they came out a touch on the spicy side and I would heavily recommend serving them with ranch. If spicy really isn’t your thing, feel free to reduce the amount of jalapenos. Alternately, one whole diced jalapeno pepper can be used as well. We keep pickled jalapenos because not only do they last longer, but they are seemingly spicier – just how my husband likes them.

Spicy Stuffed Zucchini Blossoms

Per serving (2 blossoms per serving):
Carbs: 4.25g
Fibre: 1g
Fat: 22g
Sodium: 330mg

Ingredients

10 zucchini blossoms (see Notes)
8 oz Cream cheese, softened
1 oz Pickled jalapenos, diced
2 tbsp Onion, minced
1 tbsp Mayonnaise
1 clove Garlic, minced
1 tsp Lemon juice
1/2 tsp Paprika
1/2 tsp Oregano
1/4 tsp Parsley
1 Large egg
1 tbsp Mayonnaise
2 tbsp Almond milk
1 batch Keto Crumbs

Destructions

  1. Preheat oven to 350⁰. Line a large baking sheet with parchment paper or silicone baking mat.
  2. In a medium-sized bowl, combine the cream cheese, jalapenos, onion, mayonnaise, garlic, lemon juice, paprika, oregano and parsley. Mix until smooth.
  3. Remove the stamens from the blossoms. Roll approximately 1 1/2 tbsp of the stuffing mix into a ball and gently place into the bulb part of the flower. Twist the petals to close.
  4. In a small bowl, combine the egg, mayonnaise and almond milk to form a creamy mix. Place Keto Crumbs onto a plate. Dip the stuffed blossoms into the egg mixture and then into the Keto Crumbs. Arrange blossoms on baking sheet so that they are not touching, with approximately 1 in of room between blossoms.
  5. Bake blossoms at 350⁰ for 30-35 minutes or until golden brown and crispy. Serve warm with ranch dressing.

Notes

Zucchini blossoms may be a difficult ingredient to source if you do not have a plant. Your local farmer’s market is a good place to look for them. They go soft and yucky quickly and as such aren’t often carried in stores. If you have a local co-op they might be a good place to ask about getting some as they quite often get their produce from local sources and know a lot of the local farmers. They may even be able to get their hands on some for you. If you have your own plants, be sure to harvest only the male flowers. These ones grow on the long, thin stems and have stamens, which kind of look like yellow, fuzzy, pointy swords. The female flowers will have pistils, which look like a group of fuzzy yellow balls and will grow a fatter nub that looks like a mini zucchini. When harvesting male blossoms, be sure to leave one or two on the plant so that your female flowers still have a chance of pollination. I have successfully stored them in the fridge for about 30 hours, and I would wager they might survive for 48. I doubt they would make it anywhere past that though – not that you would be able to go that long without cooking and eating these delicious flowers!

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Male flowers

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Female flowers

Snacky Fix: Looking at Snack Delivery and Salmon Deviled Eggs – Low Carb, Gluten Free

I will readily admit I have mixed feelings about snacking. Part of me feels like I need the fuel to continue to run, another part of me just thinks I’m absent-mindedly stuffing my face because I just want to stuff my face. I am incredibly prone to eating purely out of boredom, which is why most of my snacking happens after about 8 o’clock in the afternoon. Lord Imp plops down in front of the computer to play Hawken and I plop down on the couch to be bored out of my cotton-picking mind eat a dozen cookies (nah, that’s not any better).

In my musings on Twitter I came across a company called Sugar Free Fix, which is a mail-order service where they send you a box of diabetic-friendly snacks every month. If there’s one thing I love more than getting mail, it’s getting food in the mail and I’m seriously considering signing up for a subscription just to try it out. However, it’s still in it’s infancy and doesn’t appear to be taking subscriptions yet. But they do have a contest to win a 6-month subscription so it may be worth looking into.

I will also readily admit to the fact that I do have a little reservations about signing up. I have yet to find a pre-packaged snack that falls into my dietary guidelines and I’m especially super strict about the sweeteners that go into my body. I usually end up making my own snacks when I have the time and energy and it’s served me well thus far (keep your eye out for a no-bake granola bar recipe in the near future, the last batch needed some tweaking and I don’t publish anything that hasn’t met with a stamp of approval). I also realised that many of my snacks are of the sweet variety, and since finding cookies made with erythritol are next to impossible I am stuck making my own. Most sweets labeled “sugar free” contain malitol, which is no bueno for a diabetic as it’s got a GI not much lower than table sugar. I have actually used sugar free salt water taffy made with malitol to treat a blood sugar in the 50s. It works amazingly well for treating lows actually, and the rule in my house is if I use it to treat low blood sugars it does not belong in my regular diet.

I approached the people behind Sugar Free Fix via Twitter about my concerns over malitol and they said that they would look into it, which I greatly appreciate. I do still plan on trying them out though, and I really like their idea. The fact of the matter is, we’re a snacking society and having a box of hand-picked snacks delivered takes a lot of the effort and guesswork out for some. I think it’s a really good idea and I look forward to seeing what comes out of it.

And then as I was writing this post and looking at my Facebook feed, right up at the top of my feedwas an announcement for a delivery service called Keto Delivered. It’s set up by Craig over at Ruled.me and it looks to be more in line with how I like to run things. The boxes look to be more of ingredients as well as a snack or two thrown in, which is good for people like me who like to cook. It’s set for an August launch and there appear to be perks involved for people signing up to their list early. So go ahead and check them out (I will warn you though that I get brownie points towards discounts if you sign up through my link – however you will be given your own personal link to refer people to sign up and earn your own brownie points).

This box looks to be geared more toward foodies who like to cook and who are interested in finding new ingredients with minimal effort. I am always about finding new things to try and coming up with recipes so I think that I would greatly enjoy this box as well. I look forward to this launching and plan on trying it out.

However, until these release I am still stuck with the conundrum of finding things to stuff my face with when I’m bored to tears in the early evening. These deviled eggs are one of those face-stuffers. I tend to get bored with traditional deviled eggs and I like to spice them up a bit. (boredom being the theme of today’s post, apparently). So upon rummaging through my fridge I came up with these little beauties. They are a good thing to keep on hand in the fridge for whenever the mood strikes and it is also a classy way to jazz up deviled eggs for parties. It just kind of dawned on me that I should really get a new SD card for my camera so I can take some pictures, I’ll get right on that. But in the meantime, I will be munching on some salmon deviled eggs.

Salmon Deviled Eggs

Per serving (2 per serving):
Carbs: trace
Fibre: 0g
Fat 11.75g
Sodium: 208.7mg

Ingredients

6 Eggs, hardboiled and peeled
1 Can salmon
3 tbsp Mayonnaise
1 tbsp Spicy Brown Mustard
1 tsp Dried chopped onion
1/2 tsp Celery seed
1/2 tsp Dried chopped garlic
1/2 tsp Dill
5-6 drops Liquid stevia drops (optional, to taste)
Paprika

Destructions

  1. Cut eggs in half and scoop out the yolks into a bowl. Place the whites on a plate.
  2. To the bowl with the egg yolks, add salmon, mayonnaise, mustard, dried chopped onion, celery seed, dried chopped garlic, dill and liquid stevia drops (if using). Mix until combined.
  3. Scoop egg yolk mixture into the egg whites. You will be able to heap them pretty good as the salmon gives extra bulk. Sprinkle with paprika and serve chilled. Makes six servings of two each.

The Spoonie’s Guide to Low-Carb Living

Life is tough when you have a chronic medical condition. It’s even tougher when you have multiple chronic medical conditions. It’s intensely tough when you have multiple chronic medical conditions and want to maintain a healthy low-carb lifestyle.

There are surprisingly few pre-made foods out there that are low carb and aren’t filled with questionable ingredients. And when you feel like you’ve been nailed by a Mack truck all you want is a quick TV dinner and bed. You don’t want to grocery shop, you don’t want to stand up and you sure as heck don’t want to cook.

However, sometimes you have to. Sometimes you have a medical condition that requires low carb eating. Often you think that eating well just might make your life a little better. And all the time you just want to feel better.

I would be lying to you if I told you that low carb living was easy. I am not lying to you when I say that it can be done. It just takes digging your heels in and making it a priority. But, these few tips and tricks just might help.

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1. Plan, plan, plan

If there is any piece of advice I give you, take this one. Plan your meals out in advance. I will plan out lunches and dinners for four days and I write them on a whiteboard I keep in my kitchen. This has several benefits:

a. Grocery shopping will be easier. Why? Because you have just planned out your meals for the next few days. You can now build your grocery list off your plans.

b. It takes the pressure off of figuring out what’s for dinner because you have already decided. As an added bonus, when someone asks you “what’s for dinner,” you can point them to your list.

c. It will help you keep on the low carb track. If anything, because it takes too much effort to change plans.

2. Cook when you feel good so you don’t have to when you feel bad

Making a casserole? Make a double batch and freeze the leftovers. Do it on one of those super hefty paper plates so that all you have to do is take off the plastic wrap and throw it in the microwave. It will be a homemade TV dinner, and much better for you than the ones you find in the grocery store.

3. Make your freezer your BFF

To follow up on the previous tip, make extra and freeze it. Buy meat in bulk and freeze it because it’s cheaper. Frozen vegetables are just as good as fresh. I have even stocked up on butter when it was on sale and frozen it. I would recommend though organizing your freezer better than mine is…because I often hate opening my freezer for fear of having a long-forgotten bag of flax seed falling on my face.

4. Invest in a good slow cooker

A slow cooker is a spoonie’s best friend. I am not exaggerating when I say I use mine all. the. time. I haven’t made a roast or baked a cake in the oven since I got mine. My slow cooker of choice is the Hamilton Beach Set-And-Forget. It comes with a temperature probe that you can jab in your roast then program the cooker to cook the roast until it hits the temperature you set and then will automatically turn to ‘warm’ so that you don’t burn the meal. It takes all the guesswork out of whether or not your meat is cooked all the way through – and when you’re immunodeficient like I am, that is huge. It also makes the most moist roast chicken you will ever have and your cakes will be amazingly rich. I don’t normally use them since I’m a little eek about cooking plastic, but use a slow cooker liner to keep cleanup to a minimum.

5. Keep a whiteboard (or two) on your fridge

Those locker whiteboards you get in the school supply section of Wal Mart (dirt cheap in late August, at that) have been a godsend. I keep it on my fridge so that whenever I realise I need something I can just turn around and jot it down. Before I go to the grocery store I take a photo of it and then load it into a drawing app so that I can cross off items. Super simple and saves trees. I also use whiteboards to calculate nutrition facts for quick meals that I want to eat immediately.

6. Grocery shop online

Online grocery shopping is seriously a thing now. And it’s awesome. It makes life a lot easier for the spoonie. No getting up and going out. As an added bonus, you can help bloggers support their activities by buying items from their stores so that they can keep bringing you free recipes. Many recipes contain affiliate links. Seriously, click on them and buy your almond flour through them. I have a suggested list of things I keep in my kitchen regularly available through my store. It’s a work in progress and updated somewhat regularly.

7. Make cooking fun

Cooking is a chore for a lot of people. You have to stand up, think, mix, source ingredients and ultimately clean up afterwards. But there’s an element of fun to it, the thrill of things coming together to make something delicious gives me a high.

Maybe I’m just crazy. But food highs are WAY cheaper than drugs.

The key to happiness is to find joy in everything. Sometimes it takes a bit of effort to find a minuscule amount of joy, but it’s there. If you can focus on that itty bitty bit of joy in cooking, you will be happier. Sometimes all it will be is the smell of a comforting meal cooking – and often, that is all you really need.

8. Clean as you go

I spent a very long time working fast food. Longer than I want to admit, and long enough for me to realise that it sucked and it was time for me to go back to college. But I did learn several valuable lessons working fast food that I don’t think I would have had the opportunity to anywhere else. While the big one was “be nice to your server, no matter what,” the one I want to talk about now is “clean as you go.” I spent a good chunk of my career closing, often not getting out until 3 in the morning – and sometimes 4 when the kitchen was trashed. Those nights were not fun and they could have been easily avoided if we had simply wiped things down as we went, did dishes when we had down time and kept the floor swept. Taking home those habits is crucial for the spoonie – it takes minimal extra effort to throw trash out or quickly wipe down a counter. Keep a large bowl in your general vicinity to throw wastes in so that you only have to walk to the trash can once when you’re done. No one wants to cook in a dirty kitchen, and keeping it clean is crucial to wanting to cook. Cleaning it in small increments instead of all at once helps make what could possibly be a daunting task a little easier to handle. In that vein, however, be able to proritise which chores need to be taken care of immediately and which ones can wait a little bit. I often leave the dishes for my husband. 😉

9. Break up larger, more labour intensive recipes into smaller, more manageable tasks done over several hours – or even days.

It is not uncommon (AKA I do it all the time) for me to start getting things prepared for supper after breakfast. This is when I have the most energy and am able to get the most things done. Often, supper is nothing more than just throwing a couple pork chops on the grill and serving sliced vegetables, but I will usually rub down the pork chops with my seasoning blend of choice in the morning and then slice the vegetables after lunch. I have taken three days to prepare a casserole (this is where planning meals in advance has an advantage): Day 1 I will chop up the vegetables, Day 2 I will make the sauce and on Day 3 I will throw it all together and put it in the oven. Planning in advance makes it so that I can easily break up tasks, that way when life throws me a sudden knock-me-on-my-butt event I can still put supper on the table with minimal effort or  even have my husband do the final bits for me.

10. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again

The amount of times I have heard people tell me that they often won’t try making a recipe again because they failed the first time makes me sad. For every good thing I have made and goes into the “must make again” rotation, I have likely had 5 or 6 failed attempts, ranging from “meh, could be better” to “ohmygod I’m eating baby vomit.” I take these failures as lessons and will immediately think of ways to make the end result meet my taste expectations. There are very few recipes I use where I haven’t tweaked to meet my personal taste preferences. Never be afraid to alter a recipe, even if it’s not your own. And if it doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to try again. Tomorrow is another day, after all.

Low carb living is not easy. But with a little work, a little planning and a lot of kitchen time you will be able to do it. Just don’t give up!

Low Carb Oatmeal Cookies. Or: How I Learned to Stop Slacking and Love the Fat

It’s been a really rough ride these past few months.

First, I fried my laptop. In a computer science class, of all places. It was working just fine, then I went into class, tried to boot it up and…nothing. Except for an awful sound coming from the fan. It had been overheating in recent months (like, the past year) and I figured it was on its last leg…but couldn’t it have waited until AFTER I was done with a class that I actually needed it for recitation?

My health has been meh lately too. I’ve been completely worn out, dizzy and unable to function – and no one can figure out why. My thyroid has been fully checked twice, I got the most half-assed adrenal check ever and a “mostly normal” brain MRI that landed me in a neurologist’s office. The “minorly abnormal” part happened to be nothing more than some serious sinus congestion, odd considering I haven’t been stuffy, but a report was forwarded from the neurologist to the immunolgoist to see what he wants done about it. Since it’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard back, I’m going to assume that he just doesn’t care. Which, given the vibe I got from him, wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest. CVID is such a boring disease, after all. A second MRI was done with contrast and at least from a brain standpoint it looked normal, but if those sinuses are still clogged methinks I may be headed toward a sinus surgery. Good thing I have an appointment scheduled with an ENT next month and she can access the MRIs herself. We’ll discuss it then.

Then there was the binge I went on a couple of nights ago. We’ll start this story talking about the discovery I made yesterday that with my whole-foods low-carb everything-from-scratch diet I don’t get anywhere NEAR the daily recommended 2300 mg of sodium for women. Even when eating a tuna casserole made with homemade alfredo (AKA sodium city) I still was at 1800 mg by the end of the night and had to eat some cheese to get myself up. Now that we’ve covered that, Tuesday I was craving pretzels. BAD. So, I ate them. A TON of them. Which included me shooting up (blindly, might I add) 8 units via syringe with the intent of eating half the bag. What happened was a blood glucose roller coaster that I have no intentions of ever repeating again. I started at 319 mg/dL (a result of my previous pretzel binge – which was adaquately covered by insulin, BTW). An hour later, I found myself at a delicious 32 mg/dL – and by my estimation, a good 10 units of active insulin. A 20-oz bottle of cherry Coke and half a bag of pretzels later and I was at a whopping 72 mg/dL. Which became 519 mg/dL by 3 in the morning.

Thankfully I was able to get it down and woke up at 82 mg/dL in the morning. But I awoke with a new mission to get things under control. My neurologist had dropped the words “autonomic neuropathy” at my last appointment and had suggested getting a blood pressure cuff and keep an eye on that as well. After Googling “autonomic neuropathy,” I thought it would be a good idea to monitor EV-UH-RY-THING. So, I have a notebook monitoring EV-UH-RY-THING…and that was how I discovered that I don’t eat anywhere NEAR enough sodium. I also noticed that I feel dehydrated ALL the time despite drinking very close to a gallon of fluids a day. A result of the lack of sodium? Perhaps. Further investigation is required…the four words in a journal article that translate to “we’re putting off doing the research so that we can have another publication. Because publications = grants.”

Which brings me to the reason I actually plopped myself on the desktop despite the toddler I have walking around dumping my pencil case all over the living room floor…

Another thing I have been craving lots of have been sweets, and in particular my mother’s oatmeal cookies. But I really had yet to find a recipe that I felt could even come close to matching the deliciousness of them. They’re moist, tasty, not too sweet and all-in-all absolute perfection. And then I came across this recipe from Low Carb Yum. These cookies, friends, are a game-changer. They taste just like your carb-laden chocolate chip cookie and you need to go make them. Now. However, when I say they taste just like a carb-laden cookie that means I found them a little TOO sweet and I found the erythritol a little strong in it. Knowing that the erythritol was a major component in the cookie dough being actual dough and not a puddle of nut butter, I thought about what I could add that would give them the structure they need while cutting back on the erythritol? The answer: shredded coconut.

Shredded coconut has become the darling of the low-carb cookie world. It makes for a wonderful substitution for oats in baking as the texture is pretty similar with only mildly noticeable coconut flavour. You can find dozens of low-carb fauxtemal cookie recipes using unsweetened shredded coconut. But even with my tweaks, I couldn’t get any of them to taste like Mama’s.

Until now.

No, this is not generally a food blog but I’ve been spending a lot of time in the kitchen and have note cards up the wazoo with my creations that I think I am going to share. Because I’m excited about them. Get excited with me. At 1.18g net carbs per decent-sized cookie you should get excited. And without further ado, the low carb oatmeal recipe you have been waiting for, inspired by Lisa at Low Carb Yum.

Low Carb Oatmeal Cookies

Makes: 24 cookies

Per cookie:
Fat: 7g
Sodium: 31mg
Total Carbs: 2.12g
Total Fibre: 0.94g
Net Carbs: 1.18g

Ingredients

1 C Walnut halves and pieces
2/3 C Pecan halves
1/2 C Cashew halves and pieces
1/2 C Erythritol
1/4 tsp Liquid stevia drops (it’s roughly about 15ish drops, to taste)
1 Large egg
1/2 tsp Baking powder
1/4 tsp Salt
1 tsp Pure vanilla extract
1 tsp Pure almond extract
1/2 C Unsweetened shredded coconut

Destructions

  1. Preheat oven to 350ºF. Line baking sheet with parchment paper.
  2. Place the walnuts, pecans and cashews in the bowl of a food processor and process until nut butter is formed. It will first get grainy, then clump together, then it will become a smooth nut butter.
  3. Stop the food processor for a second and add the erythritol and liquid stevia. Pulse until combined.
  4. Add egg, baking powder, salt, vanilla and almond to processor and pulse until combined.
  5. By now it should look like a runny cookie dough. Remove processor blade and add coconut. Alternatively, you can transfer the dough to a bowl and add coconut. I just hate dishes.
  6. Roll into balls about 1″ in diameter. Place on cookie sheet and press gently to flatten.
  7. Bake in oven for 12-15 minutes or until golden around edges.

The Smartass’ Guide to Handling the Food Police

So, I participated in my first Diabetic Connect Diabetes Education chat tonite, and it was a lot of fun. I always like to meet new people online (because we all know I have super social anxiety in real life, eek!) and the group was a kick. Tonite’s topic of discussion was handling eating during the holidays, and someone mentioned the thing that is always on the Top 10 Biggest Annoyances list for any diabetic: the food police.

You know who I’m talking about, those people who watch over your shoulder, asking if you can eat that roll, telling you to put down the pie and generally just being worse than your mother was 6 days after coming home from the hospital.

Every diabetic has come across at least on in their life.

Diabetic Connect has a very good list of ways to handle the food police, and they are most certainly very good and should be given a look by anyone who has ever found themselves in a position where people are questioning their culinary choices. But since I’m a snarky smartass, I really can’t see myself implementing them after the first round of being asked “doesn’t that have sugar?” six times is over.

You were warned

You were warned

So, in that vein, I now give you

THE SMARTASS’ GUIDE TO HANDLING THE FOOD POLICE

Snarky Responses to “You Can’t Eat That.”

1. Really? I thought I was the one going to college.

2. That’s cool, because you really shouldn’t be talking with your mouth full.

3. I think this pie would look way better on my ass than on yours.

4. That’s too bad, because these mashed potatoes are so lonely, they need a friend. Like the turkey I just ate.

5. For one day, my body can handle it. You, however, will always be ugly no matter what you eat.

6. Several peer-reviewed articles in Diabetes Care seem to disagree with you.

7. Good thing your insurance premiums/tax dollars are paying for my insulin pump.

8. Blame Obama.

9. I’m a piranha. They in the Amazon.

10. Silly me, I forgot you are an expert on diabetes care! Please, what can I eat?

11. Hold on, let me grab my towel and consult the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

12. You’re fired.

13. Taking a break from bothering your spouse/significant other/parent I see. How about you take a break from bothering me, too.

14. I need you to go outside and double-check that the dairy elves haven’t smeared the metal posts outside with ice cream again. It’s impossible to get off and I don’t want to spend the money replacing them again. The only way to do it is to preform a taste test. (Works best in cold climates).

15. Your ever-widening ass shows that you have no business giving me dietary advice.

What would be on your Smartass’ Guide to Handling the Food Police?