The Smartass’ Guide to Handling the Food Police

So, I participated in my first Diabetic Connect Diabetes Education chat tonite, and it was a lot of fun. I always like to meet new people online (because we all know I have super social anxiety in real life, eek!) and the group was a kick. Tonite’s topic of discussion was handling eating during the holidays, and someone mentioned the thing that is always on the Top 10 Biggest Annoyances list for any diabetic: the food police.

You know who I’m talking about, those people who watch over your shoulder, asking if you can eat that roll, telling you to put down the pie and generally just being worse than your mother was 6 days after coming home from the hospital.

Every diabetic has come across at least on in their life.

Diabetic Connect has a very good list of ways to handle the food police, and they are most certainly very good and should be given a look by anyone who has ever found themselves in a position where people are questioning their culinary choices. But since I’m a snarky smartass, I really can’t see myself implementing them after the first round of being asked “doesn’t that have sugar?” six times is over.

You were warned

You were warned

So, in that vein, I now give you

THE SMARTASS’ GUIDE TO HANDLING THE FOOD POLICE

Snarky Responses to “You Can’t Eat That.”

1. Really? I thought I was the one going to college.

2. That’s cool, because you really shouldn’t be talking with your mouth full.

3. I think this pie would look way better on my ass than on yours.

4. That’s too bad, because these mashed potatoes are so lonely, they need a friend. Like the turkey I just ate.

5. For one day, my body can handle it. You, however, will always be ugly no matter what you eat.

6. Several peer-reviewed articles in Diabetes Care seem to disagree with you.

7. Good thing your insurance premiums/tax dollars are paying for my insulin pump.

8. Blame Obama.

9. I’m a piranha. They in the Amazon.

10. Silly me, I forgot you are an expert on diabetes care! Please, what can I eat?

11. Hold on, let me grab my towel and consult the Hitchhiker’s Guide.

12. You’re fired.

13. Taking a break from bothering your spouse/significant other/parent I see. How about you take a break from bothering me, too.

14. I need you to go outside and double-check that the dairy elves haven’t smeared the metal posts outside with ice cream again. It’s impossible to get off and I don’t want to spend the money replacing them again. The only way to do it is to preform a taste test. (Works best in cold climates).

15. Your ever-widening ass shows that you have no business giving me dietary advice.

What would be on your Smartass’ Guide to Handling the Food Police?

Low Carb South Park

I. Love. South Park.

I know, it’s a polarising show – you either love it or you think it’s stupid and vulgar. I am in the first camp (as I’m sure you can tell), simply due to the fact that they tackle some pretty serious issues in that stupid and vulgar manner that makes you really look at the issues in a completely different light – which oftentimes is quite necessary.

So I finally got around to watching the episode that aired the Wednesday before last, Gluten Free Ebola. I will admit that, as a low carb eating person, for the first time in my life I went into the episode somewhat cautious. But knowing that for the past what, 18 years, South Park’s MO has been “look at it one way and then another,” I kept going.

The male genitalia flying off did make me laugh way more than it should have.

In the end, Cartman has a dream where Aunt Jemima tells him that the pyramid is upside down. He calls up the USDA to tell them, and then they come up with this:

Screenshot 2014-10-11 18.16.30

Well it’s about damn time!

Now THAT is the pyramid how I see it. We’ll ignore the fact that it never was a pyramid to begin with but a triangle for a moment, and focus on the fact that even Trey Parker and Matt Stone know what’s up.

Fat is not bad, people!

Well, let me modify that to say that not all fat is bad. Trans fats, they’re still bad. Refined fats, still bad. Now, the ending scenes where people are eating steak with a stick of butter are a gross overexaggeration, but that’s South Park for you (although I will take this moment to say that steak is in fact quite tasty with butter on it – just not a whole quarter pound of the stuff). I also find it quite coincidental that the butter-and-steak party was thrown for the kid with diabetes. Sort of.

The point I’m trying to get at in my incoherent rambling is that it’s about damn time that low carb/high fat got a good show in the mainstream media. Studies are starting to come out that all those carbohydrates are bad, and that’s good too. I am the kind of person who does not think that there is a one-size-fits-all diet plan, but I do wholeheartedly agree that the “you must have a serving of complex carbohydrates at every meal!” mentality needs to go. I shudder when I recall what I was initially taught by my dietician as a child – I had to chose one starch, two for supper, and record them in what I will admit was a handy worksheet that made it easy. If I didn’t make choices from every recommended group, I got a proverbial finger shaken at me.

I eat a very balanced diet while on low carb. I still make things like biscuits and bread and cakes and cookies, just they’re all without grains and low on the carbohydrates. I can still have all the tasty and delicious sweet things, and I do still bake up a storm. I eat a ton of vegetables, and contrary to popular belief I do not make an entire meal out of bacon (I love bacon more than most people, but not that much). Almost everything I eat is handmade, there are very little processed foods, and I spend WAY less money on food now that I don’t get a burger and fries all the time and I never order a pizza anymore. I also weigh less than I did in high school and once again I now have to go buy more jeans because they all fall off my ass.

I also need a new belt because I destroyed the only one I own yesterday.

Anyway, I high five Trey and Matt for their bringing this to the minds of those who would likely not even think about it. South Park is the in-your-face voice that LCHF needs to get through to the younger crowd. Put down that multigrain muffin sugar-filled monstrosity (because muffins are nothing more than cake for breakfast) and eat a low carb, no sugar version. It tastes better, and is better for you too.

I have also decided that the ultimate way to know you’ve arrived is for South Park to make fun of you. I have switched my life goal to be from winning the Nobel Prize to having South Park poke fun at me. Or maybe I could have South Park poke fun at me FOR winning the Nobel Prize. Hmm…

And as a side note, I’ve been super craving potato chips lately. I think imma try deep frying radishes and see how that turns out…

Coffee and Coconuts

I am obsessed with putting coconut oil in my coffee.

I was introduced to the wonders of coconut oil on a diabetes message board. It’s full of good fats that keep your tummy full, among a myriad of other benefits. As inspired by those on the board, I’ve lately taken to putting it in my morning coffee. My local grocery store carries a free-trade decaf vanilla hazelnut blend that is deeee-lish, which I brew up in my single-cup coffee maker (since I’m the only person in the house who drinks decaf, and when Lord Imp and I move north I will be the only person who drinks coffee, period). My mother has a single-cup blender that I have commandeered for the time being, and to that I put in a bit of almond milk or heavy whipping cream (depending on what’s in the fridge, it was HWC today since I appear to be out of almond milk), about a tablespoon and a half of coconut oil, and a good size helping of coconut palm sugar since it doesn’t spike my blood sugars so it’s safe for me to use (not exactly ketogenic though, but whatevs I’m more interested in keeping my blood sugars level than losing weight at this point). After the coffee is done brewing, I add it to the blender, put the lid on, and let ‘er rip. And it blends everything together, gets the coconut oil actually mixed in so that I don’t end up with this thick film of oil on the top of my coffee, and gives it a creamy consistency almost similar to something that you get at the coffee shop. For much less per cup than I would be spending at the coffee shop. Cause I’m cheap like you would not believe.

I really enjoy this morning cup of coffee. The fats keep me going, and coconut oil has been known to keep my blood sugars level for much of the day. Sometimes I’ll even add cinnamon if the mood strikes (and I remember), because in addition to cinnamon being tasty, word on the street has it that it will keep blood sugars level as well. I think the best thing about it is that I am able to make a cup of coffee-house quality coffee that won’t spike my blood sugar and using the stuff I already have in my kitchen.

I should have taken pictures….but it didn’t last long.

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Sucks to be you

But then again, we all know that I’m not a food blogger, and I’m awful with a camera when it comes to food. It also takes a considerable amount of self-control to keep me from eating what I made straight away. Especially when it’s the morning, and I need my damn coffee.

The funny thing is, I’m really not a big fan of coconut. The taste of it had to grow on me. I use only cold-pressed, unrefined oil which has a pretty distinct coconut flavour to it, and it was definitely something that I had to acclimate my tastebuds to. While I won’t be going off and eating coconut shreds anytime soon, I will say that I am now all right with using it in my cooking.

Which reminds me, I need to buy more coconut oil. Between the microwave cakes and the coffee, I’m almost out.

I Can Never Be…

…a food blogger.

I know what you’re thinking, “but Lady Imp, you are all about being whatever you want to be! You don’t let anything get in the way of your desires and dreams!” Yeah, I don’t let anything come between me and a strawberry pie either, but that doesn’t mean I’m any good at making one. And whenever I make something that is actually edible bordering deliciousness, it always ends up looking like this:

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Yes, this is what my homemade Hot Pockets looked like this morning.

Fortunately, I’m not a stickler for looks, and neither is Lord Imp. What’s important to us is that it doesn’t taste like it needs to be washed down with the horrid taste of a dark stout to get the comparatively poisonous taste of supper out of our mouths. And nine times out of ten, that mess coming out of my oven is pretty damn tasty.

Except I could never put a picture of it up on a blog. Unless I’m making fun of myself.

And then I go trolling All Day I Dream About Food and Maria Mind Body Health for recipes and I am instantly jelly. Look at those cakes! OMG, that lasagna looks perfect! And I set off on an endeavour to fix the perfect meal that looks like it came straight out of Leave it to Beaver. Two hours later, I look at the steaming pile of mess on my plate, silently sob for 15 seconds that it looks like a heap of dinosaur poop, and then grab a fork and dig in because let’s face it, I’m hungry and that dinosaur poop smells damn tasty.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that my view on recipes is somewhat akin to the Pirate’s Code:

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Welcome to the Black Pearl

But I don’t think my dislike for following instructions really has anything to do with the fact that my cooking is less photogenic than me on a bad hair day. I like to believe that has more to do with the fact that I’m just not artistically inclined. We’ll forget that I have been known to sculpt dragons out of Sculpey clay for a minute here, and focus on the fact that my cooking never comes out looking the way it does in the pictures, or even remotely close to it. I just lack the knack to make anything look picture-perfect.

But sometimes, it’s just damn tasty. And in the end that’s all that really matters. Because while it looks like dinosaur poop on my plate before entering the abyss that is my digestive tract, it’s going to look like human poop when all is said and done.

Yummy.

And never ask for my recipes. I steal them from other sources. Do a Google search, you’ll be fine.