What I wouldn’t give for a little more energy.
The perpetual battle, to get out of bed, to go on with my day, to function. The battle to fight infection, to keep blood sugars in line.
The fight to live.
Yet I am somehow able to pull something out, a final vial of the elixir of life, the small glass bottle containing that essential liquid. Shimmering, sparkling, I drink it and am able to carry on for just a little while longer before I am able to rest and recuperate and regenerate my own energy. Sleep and rest, the fairies come and sprinkle magic dust on me and I am able to at least get up and going in the morning. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, absolutely not, but I am at least able to function.
Until I hit a brick wall, the exhaustion sets back in and the phial with the magic potion comes back out. Contents consumed, I am able to continue on for a short while. The magic doesn’t last very long, it is quickly used and I am quick to find myself in a state of exhaustion.
The length of effect of that cordial seems to get shorter and shorter. And the amount I have in the vial gets lower and lower.
I frequently wonder just how much longer the potion is going to last. I wonder when the time will come where the fairies’ dust no longer has an effect. I wonder just how much longer I can go before I can’t open my eyes anymore, can’t maintain a vertical posture, can’t continue on.
I fear this more than anything I have ever feared before. The terror consumes me, envelopes me in an electric blanket that is turned up too high. I eventually find myself sweating and burning, and am unable to shake the blanket. Once in a while, I find my strength and break free. I burst out of that sweltering wrap, full of life and confidence. I can take on everything, I am invincible. I don’t allow my conditions to define me, don’t allow them to limit me. They don’t scare me, the future is not one of fear, I can go and take on the world.
But the vivacity only lasts so long, and before long I’m back in bed, hoping for an extra dose of fairy dust, praying that my phial will be refilled with my magical go-juice. Sometimes, I wake up lucky, sneezing from the sparkles, and the vial mysteriously containing more liquid.
And I still wonder how long that will last.