I have always been exhausted. But I always had an excuse for it. 5 hours of homework. Partying. Working. Being a mother. Being sick. Always being sick. Now that I am one step closer to a medical reason that might explain my being tired, I am even more exhausted. It is just after 7, and I am ready to go back to bed.
Although, to be honest, I was never ready to get out of bed in the first place.
I woke up feeling the usual – meaning, not particularly well. My chest burned a little bit, I was coughing, and exhausted. But instead of just brushing it off and going about my morning like I have for so many years, I contemplated calling up the immunologist freaking out over chest pain and congestion that I have had in some level of perpetuity since I was 17 and went through my first bout of pneumonia.
I took my temperature twice before even walking out the door this morning – and one more time while I was at work.
I think I’m turning into one of those crazy bitches who call up doctors for every little itty bitty thing.
I don’t want to be that bitch.
I will say though that this new worry about being the crazy hypochondriac has replaced the worry that all the illnesses were in my head and I have just been imagining being ill. I had honestly gotten to the point where I was paranoid that all my symptoms were only in my head and manifesting themselves as physical symptoms. I had to keep telling myself that thermometers don’t lie, and neither do oxygen sensors – you are running a fever of 102 degrees and your oxygen levels are in the mid 80s. You can’t imagine that, nor can you make it up.
While it’s a relief that I’m not going crazy and developing a somatoform disorder, I now battle with the “do I call the doctor or don’t I?” debate. Thankfully, the chest pain cleared up, but I know that when I wake up in the morning, I will go through this all over again. I can’t wait to receive a final diagnosis so that I can start getting treatment. I want to feel well. I want to wake up feeling refreshed.
I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.